What's Up? - July 2011
It Blows My Mind
By Larry Shapiro
For the more than 12 years I’ve had the privilege and pleasure of writing this column I’ve never been more surprised than by the lack of response to the beginning of my June column. I actually thought about wearing a helmet and body armor while writing it and for days after it was published.
I always get a few emails or anonymous calls from nameless readers with a comment or two and a mild threat on my life. Surprisingly, it didn’t happen once since my June column hit the ramps. I have surmised that all the copies were gone before you got yours, you were away having plastic surgery done, in the middle of the divorce you wanted so badly, or you are so old now you can’t read the small print.
Now you have a second chance; you can go online to inflightusa.com, find my column and jump on this second opportunity to be offended, or be enlightened. It’s a matter of prospective and I hope you will stay positive.
While I’ve always chosen a more humorous path to life, liberty, and the pursuit of the best Chinese food, plus safe aviating, I invite you to have another look at “Don’t forget to check the top.” Since writing it I have sadly had more incidents to support my theory.
Very few actually need an airplane … most just want them
There is nothing wrong with wanting something you don’t need such as another scoop of ice cream, another giant plate of pasta, or stretching your vacation an extra day. Those are great things to want!
But – and there’s always a “but” – of the things on your want or bucket list, how many of the items do you really need? Note: Good health should always be at the top.
I love all of you that want and love to fly. I love those of you that buy an airplane from me even more. However, as much as I try to slow the process down and have you take a deep breath, and admire how good I look for my age, so many of you are possessed with “I have to buy an airplane…now!”
Look, all you good fellas and fella-ettes, there is more than one way to skin this cat. If buying an airplane is going to keep you awake worrying about how you are going to pay for it, that might be the first clue that maybe the time isn’t right. If you start asking how much do tires cost, and what is the cost of the hamburgers at the XYZ airport, that might be clue number two. I think the one clue I put at the top of the “oops list” is, “what happens if I lose my job?”
One more thing, and contrary to some of you that might think I can see and tell the future, I don’t know what “gottcha problems” might pop up if you buy an airplane. I don’t know if you’ll blow a tire or if the tax rate in your county will go up, and I certainly don’t know what you might break or hit when you make a forced landing in some farmers field and break some of his corn.
With this short lecture almost over here’s my final words; buying an airplane should be fun. Even buying into a partnership qualifies for the same fun. Don’t sign any documents that are going to keep you awake at night and cause your kids to go hungry or become homeless.
By the way, there are many of you who actually need airplanes for many really admirable life saving reasons and that’s a totally different ball game. I’m sure you know I’m talking specifically about general aviation.
My hats are off to you fire spotters, conservationist, and Young Eagle pilots who use your airplane to make the world a better place to live. I also applaud those who commute so you can make the money you need in the big city to support your airplane and give your families a better place to live and fresher air to breath. Bravo to you and all the other clear thinking pilots that don’t “jay walk” and look both ways before take off. I hope I know some of you; hey! Come to think of it, I do!
So here’s the thing!
This is just a scenario in my mind and I would refuse to swear that it’s the truth with my hand on an iPad, but it could be. Now you have to stay with me on this to get the whole picture. You and some friends are enjoying a view of a lovely bay (to be named at a later date), and the only problem is that you’re upside down and buried in some serious salty mud.
Science has shown us that when engines quit, landing in or on something soft usually works well, unless it’s quicksand but that doesn’t matter to the insurance companies. To continue, I need to back up a little.
Let’s say that you are having a lovely night out with some friends and stop in at a really nice airport that has a really nice restaurant. You partake in a great dinner. You leave the eatery with your toothpick still sticking out of your mouth, you stretch a little, and then your pilot brain starts spooling up. You think, “Let’s see, I had “X” amount of fuel when I blasted off in my rental steed. I flew “XX” hours, I think. Hummmm, I don’t see a fuel truck around, it’s getting dark, I have a relatively short leg to fly to my tie down spot, oh what the heck, let’s get on with it.” So, you kick the tires and light the fire!
Now you have to ask yourself, what if the fuel truck was sitting right there in front of you, would you have thrown in a few cups of fuel? I know, you know that we all know, this is a very familiar scenario and, it often ends with a lot of paper work and interviews.
Now remember, this is just my “scenario.” But it is possible that I am letting what might have been the 172 I noticed as I was driving off my field, motivate me to write this. Maybe it was my wife saying, “Why did that airplane just land in the mud?” Maybe it was the sun setting and my memories of similar evening dinner flights when I too might have squeaked in on fumes.
There are more questions here than there are answers. As I write this I have no idea who was in that airplane, and I certainly have no information on the actual flight and how it became a Cessna Submarine. I will have access to that information, and I will know the answer by the time we meet again. But for now, there is no need to stir the pot. I personally am very happy that no one was seriously injured, unless you call a severe case of muddy clothes an injury.
In conclusion, I’d like to offer this piece of advice: we, you, they, he, she, have all been overly trained to do things to pass a test, to keep things standard, and – most of all – fly the “good-old” box pattern. Think about this as you are dunking your Oreos in your milk: I’ve said it before and I will say it over and over again, airplanes just don’t quit flying without first sending you some messages. Sadly, some pilots just don’t open their mail. If you have the slightest feeling, thought, or inkling that something just ain’t right, head for the runway. It’s a legal procedure to request or announce, “direct to the numbers,” or just do it after tower hours if you think you are about to be on the 11:00 news. Try to crash near the airport, or you might even get really lucky and dead stick it right to the runway and no one will ever know about your “almost” exciting adventure.
I hope you all know that I shared this with you for two reasons: don’t walk around with a toothpick in your mouth, and don’t land in mud.
Just when I thought I’d heard it all I hadn’t
Please don’t take this personally and I know some of you probably will, but there are a few categories of folks I try to avoid in my day job. There are some professions and the professionals who live in them that I will avoid like a bill collector. These gifted, overly educated, six figure income and sometimes, pompous citizens, always honor me with their presence and begin by telling me how to run my business. They have no interest in what I have to say and they always know more than I do about most of everything we talk about.
If it will ruin the rest of your life not knowing who they are, ask me off line and I’ll be glad to tell you. Shoot, now I lost my place, oh yes, so, just when I thought I had heard it all I was unhappily surprised to find out that I hadn’t.
A very charming, multi-degreed, multi-country resident made an appointment with me stating he had important business and that is why he wanted to meet with me on Sunday. He asked that I be on time, which, of course, I was.
He was only an hour late but he was charming. As the hours ticked by I knew at least two things; first, he had a problem I couldn’t fix or I should say buying an airplane couldn’t or wouldn’t fix his problem.
Second, he was a great talker that took great notes, was really good at math, and most important, he didn’t listen to a thing I said. That was verified by his equally charming son that made our 4.5 hours together more bearable and I especially loved him for saying, “Dad, you keep asking Mr. Shapiro the same questions over and over and he keeps answering them. You just don’t listen.”
Gosh, I hope this kid runs for President, he’s got my vote. Obviously I can’t tell you what the subject of our marathon was, but I will say he needed a CPA, not me.
I can solve many transportation problems, I can shrink the state, and I can take some great photos of the sun setting over the Pacific, but I can’t change the direction a river flows.
Here we go again … Fire Works
Every year at this time I do my best to discourage all of you from trying to enjoy observing firework displays from above them instead of ground level where they can be enjoyed most. Fireworks are created and designed to be enjoyed from sea level or a few hundred feet AGL looking up, not from 2500 feet looking down. I know this is not news, but a few idiots have had holes blown through their wings from 4th of July flak and they never seem to learn.
Our Heroes, Sons, Daughters, Moms and Dads
Well America, thanks for inviting us to your birthday party again. I know you will be serving our favorite foods and I know there will be a lot of flags flying on your big day. I’m sorry all of your warriors won’t be home to join us but you can be sure they will be in our hearts and thoughts. The Commander-In-Chief told us a few days ago they will be heading home soon. Best news I’ve heard in a long time. I hope he keeps his word and I get to see some old friends again back at the grocery store.
All of us from the “Old Guard” stand and salute you for your service and can’t wait to welcome you home.
That’s Thirty!
“Over”
About the writer: Larry Shapiro is an aircraft broker, aviation humorist
and fulltime grandfather of three. He’d love to have you share your thoughts and ideas for future articles.
Palo Alto Airport Office: 650-424-1801 or Larry@LarryShapiro.com
